I had one hell of a crazy dream last night and I don’t recall ever dreaming such a thing before. I dreamt I was at work, mixing drinks, cleaning the bar, doing my thing. We closed way early for some reason (subconscious wishful thinking? heheh) and as I left the restaurant a woman, a guest, came out after me with a smoothie in her hand. The woman had a  weird, BIG bouffantish hairstyle with a ponytail, was wearing a WAY bright pink and black velour tracksuit, and was carrying a fake Louis Vuitton handbag. (Don’t ask me how I knew it was a fake Louis Vuitton because in real life I would know no such thing. I’m not even sure that’s the right way to spell “Vuitton.”) Anyway, she came out the door behind me and complained that her smoothie was too watery. (No, it wasn’t, it was perfect and it stayed that way throughout the entire dream.) “I want a limeade instead,” she said, all bossy.

“Well ma’am, I can’t do that for you right now, the restaurant is closed. Come back tomorrow and I’ll make you a limeade,” says I. Well, maybe crazy chick decided that she wasn’t sure I would be back at work the next day to make her a limeade because she followed me, perfect smoothie in hand, all. over. town. Eventually I landed back at my office – no, I don’t know why a bartender needs a third floor office in a historic building that is nowhere near her workplace, but I had one with a nice view - and there she was, right behind me, smoothie in hand, and started complaining about her drink again.

“This smoothie is really runny, you know. You watered it down. I want a limeade.” And just how the hell was I supposed to come up with that? Use some kind of Star Trek Technology to make one teleport out of my computer or something? I was in an office, didn’t even have my own mini-fridge or anything.

“Ma’am, I told you, go back to the restaurant tomorrow and you’ll get a nice limeade. You really need to stop following me now.” Apparently that translated to “Hey crazy lady, come on in and sit down! Put your feet up and make yourself at home! Please continue to complain about your damned drink because there is NOTHING more fascinating going on in the world at this moment!”

So she came in and sat down, and I got up, pulled her out of the chair and started trying to push her out of the room, but that was about as easy as relocating Mt. Rushmore. I stopped pushing her and grabbed her fake Louis Vuitton and left my office until I found a hallway with a recently mopped, slippery floor. At the end of the hallway was a long flight of stairs going down three floors to the lobby. Without slipping (I’m magical, apparently), I made it down the hallway to the top of the stairs, and I set the handbag on the second step down.

Anyone see where this is going yet?

I went back to the office and snapped at the woman to get up and go get her Louis before someone stole it, so she left. Eventually there was a shriek that echoed all around the building, but I played around a little after that, riding a bike, talking to my boss, looking for another building in which there was a party that turned out to be the reason the restaurant had closed early. I went to the party and watched a little bit of some weird little kiddie movie before I decided I had paperwork waiting for me at my office, so I headed back to that building. I found the crazy lady laying at the bottom of the three flights of stairs with two broken legs and unable to get up and leave. When she saw me, she raised her arm and started waving her perfect smoothie – unblemished glass and all – and demanded a limeade.

Of course, I ended up doing the reasonable thing. As cool as a cucumber, I looked around me and saw a construction site nearby; apparently they were constructing something large, something that required a very tall crane and massive steel I-beams. I used the crane to pick up one of the I-beams, raise it up about three stories high, and then drop it on the crazy woman. The I-beam was wide enough that when it landed on her it covered her and her squashedness completely, and I knew she was dead.

And then I woke up.

And I thought about it a little bit and decided it might not be a good idea for anyone to piss me off this week, I don’t know.