Victoria’s Secret is that she can’t decide what size her boobs really are. I like VS because their things are pretty, but shopping there tends to be a pain because I can try on three bras, all in the exact same size, and I’ll come out of the dressing room feeling almost like Goldilocks. This one is too small. This one is too large. This one, and ONLY this one, fits…well enough.

I need to go shopping for more over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders this weekend, and this time, I must do it properly. For the first time ever I’m going to go and be properly fitted for a bra. Now guys – and I know I have some male readers out there, hello – I know y’all don’t understand the difficulty in finding a bra that fits properly. All you’re concerned with is how to get the bloody thing OFF, and how many damned hooks does this thing have, anyway? Let’s put it this way; Imagine your testicles weigh 5 pounds each and you must carry them around in a specially made and fitted sling. An improperly fitted sling would be uncomfortable to wear, at the very least. If it doesn’t fit properly it may also not be very supportive, thus causing pain in your neck and back, bad posture, perhaps even slight bruising where the straps dig in to your skin, and annoying drooping – giving you the appearance of someone 5 times your age. Got it? Right.

So, my bras. Yes. I went through the dresser a few weeks ago and removed anything that was too large, too small, and too grubby for my liking. I was left with about 5 that I could wear…one of which is black and therefore can’t be worn under everything, because it might show through and that would be tacky. Two are sports bras, because, you know, I’m very athletic. The remaining two fit well enough, but alas, shortly after cleaning out the dresser drawer, the underwire broke and popped out of those rendering them useless. Since then, I’ve been wearing the sports bras and to be honest, they are tired. And it shows. I know it, the bras know it, and the sweater puppies know it, oh yes indeed. Said sweater puppies are threatening grievous injury to my navel if I don’t treat them better.

According to the internet, VS does not do a very good job sizing people for bras properly – the fact that all bras in one size do not fit equally ought to be a hint to me, but, you know, I am distracted by The Pretty. So I’ll be off to the highly recommended Nordstrom to take care of business.

Please don’t wish me luck – wishing me the least amount of mortification possible would be much more helpful. Thank you.

P. S. That email/comment you’re getting ready to send in which you offer to support my bosom for me is entirely predictable and boring. Try again!